Excerpt from Flying Turkeys and Stuffed Mushrooms

Flying Turkeys and Stuffed Mushrooms

(Claire closes the door, turns to face Elliot, they look at each other a few seconds, run toward each other, embrace and start kissing,. short kisses all over the face. Elliot pulls away and turns toward the audience.)

Elliot

I hate the fact we lied to him; that I lied to my own brother. It’s not right.

Claire

And the fact that you’re screwing his wife doesn’t bother you? Look, I don’t like lying to him either, but it’s the only thing we can do.

Elliot

No, we can tell him the truth.

Claire

Absolutely not, I think it was faith that the 22 pound turkey fell on his head, causing the amnesia. The doctor wasn’t kidding when he said it was a freak accident. I couldn’t believe it when he told me Allen and a patient were walking down the street in Manhattan next to his office, when a women fighting with her husband throws a turkey at him, the husband ducks, the turkey sails out the kitchen window and lands on Allen’s head. Then while he’s unconscious on the sidewalk some thug steals his wallet.

Elliot

I can’t believe someone mugged him while he was unconscious.

Claire

I’m not surprised. This is New York, you know. The police came, took a description of the crook, arrested the lady who threw the turkey out the window and charged her with assault with a deadly weapon. They took a report from Allen’s patient. Since it was the lady’s first appointment with Allen, she only knew his last name, so the police wrote Henderham on the report. Since there was no wallet to check his ID, the police checked the phone book and saw a Henderham listed, not Elliot or Allen, just Henderham. They didn’t know there’s two Henderham’s since your number is unlisted. So, when I heard this I decided to introduce the cops and doctors to Elliot Henderham. Thanks to me the two of you have traded places. I covered all my bases. I spent the past two days putting all his belongings in the spare room and went to your place, gathered up your stuff and brought it here. It’s as though you’ve lived here forever. I even switched the name tags on the luggage. Now you and I can live together and Allen, I mean Elliot will recuperate, find a place of his own and move out.

(Claire puts her arms around Elliot.)

I won’t have to go through a messy divorce and the two of us can continue to live here. It’s like God has answered my prayers.

(Elliot removes Claire’s arms from around him.)

Elliot

I don’t think God answered your prayers by dropping a 22 pound turkey on my brother’s head. What kind of mad woman throws a turkey out a window anyway?

(Claire taps her chin with her index finger.)

Claire

I wonder what type of stuffing it had. Why, it could have been chestnut stuffing, mushroom and onion stuffing, my personal favorite, or a raisin stuffing. I hate it when stuffing is dry because…